My Depression and the Onset of Spring
Many of you probably looked out your windows today and thought about how beautiful it was outside. We have received significant amounts of snow and rain over the last few weeks and all I see all over Facebook are memes about how badly people want summer, and people complaining about the repeated weather patterns of “gloominess.” It’s a little chilly today, but the sun was out and there were little clouds above. For most of you - if not all of you - this is a glimmer of hope; that spring is almost here and we are finally on the up and up out of this nasty weather.
For me, however, I have spent the second half of the day continuously crying due to a severe mood swing because of this beautiful “spring” day. I have felt significantly more depressed than I am on a normal day for me. I feel unmotivated, irritable, annoyed, disgusted with myself, and absolutely exhausted.
It likely doesn’t help that Shane and I just celebrated our first year together this weekend, and I had to say goodbye to him until the end of April. I can confidently tell you that I am currently the most depressed I have been in a while and it’s because of the fact that today was so beautiful on top of having to say goodbye to him yet again.
It all sounds silly, really. Many people like me who are depressed year round will experience seasonal affective disorder; meaning their moods significantly decrease based on seasonal changes. However, most people experience this as summer turns into fall and winter. I am the opposite and have always experienced it when winter turns into spring. I know it isn’t spring quite yet, but because today was the first spring looking day, my mood took a dump.
When I arrived home from dropping Shane off at the airport, I was exhausted and really wanted a good nap. I have a river flowing in front of my house and the cutest fairy tale windows that push outward to go with it. So I opened my windows so I could fall asleep to the running water. I barely fell asleep and woke up almost immediately after. I suddenly became extremely emotional. The sun was shining and the birds were chirping and I was in my cozy little house. I should have felt very inspired to write. It was the perfect day for it.
Nope.
Instead, I suffered this mood swing because I get insanely pissed off at myself for spending the day in bed on a day like today. This happens every year, on a day specific to this. The first “spring” looking day I always become more depressed than my usual.
Most of you live normal, independent lives. You can go out whenever you please, you can go out wherever you please, and don’t have any second thoughts. I am unable to do any of that. I must be accompanied by someone at all times anytime I leave my house besides to go to work. I cannot even go for a walk up my half a mile long driveway in fear that my landlord or neighbor who both live nearby will judge me for some silly reason. I have no idea what for, but my brain tells me that there’s judgement of some kind out there and no matter who it is or where I’m at, someone is going to judge me or talk about me.
I would love to go sit outside and read a good book or go for a walk. I would absolutely love to enjoy beautiful days like this. But I can’t. I don’t know how to do that. I get so depressed thinking about the fact that I can’t enjoy what other people enjoy solely because my brain is literally (excuse my language) a piece of shit. I know that sounds very negative. But I have established through therapy that that’s basically what my brain is, and that it’s okay to call it that as long as I can learn to accept that my brain is different from everyone else’s and try to do what I can to fix it or improve it. However, I have yet to do the final step. So for now, that’s what I will continue to call it because being able to express that helps me feel better about having an abnormal brain. I’ve learned how to express myself through therapy, and that is how I express myself when it comes to conversations about my own brain.
My brain doesn’t do what everyone else’s does. It doesn’t function the way that everyone else’s does, and it doesn’t function the way that I would hope it would or want it to. That’s not an excuse as to why I can’t enjoy days like today. It’s science.
I have been extremely emotional since I woke up from my short nap. Every little thing is making me cry. Every little thing is annoying me. I’m irritated that I can’t live like everyone else. Which in turn makes me pissed off at everything and I take my anger and frustration out on everything else.
It’s only been a few years since I’ve taken great notice in my moods changing with the seasons. My psychiatrist and I only noticed it a few years ago. Looking back though, I have been like this for a very long time. Since becoming aware of it, I have done my best to try to prepare myself for the mood swings and overwhelming amount of emotions that come with winter coming to a halt.
So far, I have yet to be able to prepare myself for it. I mean it when I say that it gets bad. I feel almost as if I’m going to have a panic attack because of the overwhelming amount of emotions. My body goes through all kinds of temperature changes due to the excessive crying, and I feel shaky and nauseous. I have racing thoughts inside my head that literally scream at me - convincing me of how much of an idiot I am and how stupid could I be for not being able to enjoy a beautiful day like today. They’re screaming at me telling me how much I hate myself and despise my own brain and the way that it doesn’t function.
I always get discouraged and feel extremely alone when I get on Facebook this time of the year and see everyone talking about how much they can’t wait for summer. Because for me, my happier time of the year is ending, and I have to endure feeling miserable for months until fall begins to set in. I haven’t written about this topic before, because it seems as though each time I express to someone how much I despise summer and the heat and the concept of the sun constantly being out and the long days full of so much sunlight, they laugh at me. They literally think I’m joking. And I have no idea why. Maybe because I’m the first person who has ever said that to them. They’ve probably never heard it before.
But it makes me feel so alone. When I googled images related to SAD to use for a cover image for one of the sites that publish my writing, nearly every single one of them is in relation to the disorder showing that it happens from summer to winter, not winter to spring/summer. That is discouraging in it of itself. Part of the reason why I’m able to keep pushing through mental illness in general, is the fact that so many people relate to me. No one likes to feel alone, and I no longer feel alone in my journey of struggling with it. However, there are specific times when I do - not many - but there are some. And this is one of those times. I’m the only person I know that is like this. It makes me feel more different and abnormal than I already am because of mental illness alone. The fact that everyone laughs at me or thinks I’m joking and doesn’t take me seriously, makes me curl up and go into my hole where I don’t express how I’m feeling at all, to anyone.
So if anyone reading this is like me in this aspect, please give me a holler or reach out to me so that I know I’m not alone, and maybe so that you don’t feel like you’re alone in it either.
If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text START to 741-741
Image credit: Unsplash
