About the Chaos

Laura and Leo have been a team since February 2019. Leo is Laura’s lifeline in helping her understand the chaos that is her psychology makeup. Together, they live and breathe destroying the stigma behind disabilities, accessibility rights, mental illness, and service dogs.

Laura’s story about her lifelong struggles with mental illness and her journey to finding the better half of her found within Leo, can be read below.

My name is Laura Feldmann (previously Laura Snelling). I live and breathe to further understand the chaos occurring inside of me. The earliest thoughts of suicide that I can recall, were around age 10. Although, I wasn’t diagnosed with any kind of condition until age 12. Nevertheless, I knew I wasn’t like all of the other kids around me. Due to childhood trauma, I was originally diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety. The only emotion I knew how to feel was “numbness.” I felt as though my life was spiraling out of control down a deep, dark pit, and yet all I could do was watch it helplessly.

By age 14, I felt lost and confused - even more numb if that was even possible. I felt as though my life had no purpose and that I would be better off dead. After my parents found a properly educated doctor, I was diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder that consumed every ounce of my being. I suffered from severe insomnia and sleep disturbances resulting in a lack of sleep and crying each and every night wondering why life had to be this way. I developed an eating disorder categorized as anorexia nervosa binge eating-purging type that didn’t seem to be enough of a punishment for me, so the addiction to the blades started soon after. I felt as though my body deserved to be destroyed in every way possible because after all, that’s what the people and trauma around me had taught my brain. I lost count on the number of medications we had to try to attempt to assist my neurotransmitters that were clearly misfiring or firing at all, for that matter.

I made it through high school by destroying my body and barely functioning. Just when I thought the trauma was finally over, yet another devastating blow came within the Christian church. The only people and only place I trusted, betrayed me in the most unexplainable of ways. As a result, I don’t recall much of my life from the ages of 18-21, as my brain seemed to deal with everything by numbing itself even more - I guess it was possible. To deal with one kind of trauma, I found myself in a different type of traumatic situation that was a dangerous and severely abusive relationship 3,000 miles away from home with nothing and no one to turn to. I experienced every type of trauma you can think of; physical, mental, sexual, emotional. Somehow I found my way out and made it home safely only to have the trauma from the church be brought back up in ways I would never wish upon anyone.

As a result of reminders of the trauma, in 2017, I had reached what I like to call “the void.” I felt absolutely nothing any longer - I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t know who I was, what my purpose was, and why I had to live with so much misery each and every day of my life. “It’ll get better” was no longer true and I laughed at anyone who attempted to tell me that. The strongest and most overpowering thoughts of suicide washed over and consumed every ounce of my being. I suppose I didn’t want to die that badly because I apparently opened my mouth and told someone. The next thing I knew, I was considered a danger to myself and was shipped off in a cage car 2 hours away to a psychiatric hospital for a 72-hour involuntary hold. I walked out of there with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder that has seemingly, saved my life. I finally had a reason for my behaviors and actions that I never knew existed.

I took their advice and began working with a psychologist doing intensive outpatient trauma (EMDR) and dialectal behavioral therapy (DBT). She and my psychiatrist both felt as though I was making progress, but my condition was still not being managed well enough for me to live and function independently. I couldn’t go anyplace without someone with me. If no one was with me, I would go without basic necessities including food and toiletries. I was having multiple panic attacks on a daily basis. My panic attacks consist of blacking out, severe dissociation to the point where I may not remember where I was prior to the onset, excessive sweating, and dizziness. Many days consisted of trying to talk myself into going to a store by myself when no one was able to come with me, only to arrive in the parking lot to have a panic attack and heading home with no food to make. At the time, I lived in a very remote area, where delivery services were not available to use. At this point, we had exhausted all treatment options. That is, all but a service dog. I knew absolutely nothing about them other than that they helped the visually impaired and veterans. How could I possibly benefit from one?

Fast forward to 2019, the handsome and goofy boy in the picture above was introduced to me by a behaviorist I was working with. He is highly, specifically, and task trained to help mitigate my disabilities and mine only. The tasks he is trained to perform are specific to the debilitating symptoms I experience from PTSD. With his assistance, the skills I was learning in therapy, and my medication being regulated well, I started to see the light in that deep, dark pit I had been in my entire life. Leo was exactly what my treatment plan needed, and I am now an entirely different person. I live a normal and independent life because of him. I don’t go without food or other basic necessities any longer. He goes to work with me, flies with me, sleeps under the table at a restaurant, sleeps with me, and loves every bit of me. The unconditional love I had searched for my entire life in the church, in my family, in the people I thought loved me, really had 4 paws and a tail this whole time. He is not only my best friend, but he is my lifeline that I physically could not do life without. People often ask if I ever do anything without Leo, and as much as I would like to say yes, the truth is, I can count on one hand how many times I have gone in public without Leo, all of which required me to be with someone and to some level, intoxicated to keep me from panicking. Life without Leo isn’t really an option, and I am 100% okay with being reliant on him.

Since getting Leo, we moved to the Phoenix, AZ area in 2019. We endured a toxic relationship, but eventually got our own place. During this time, Leo helped me gain the confidence I never really even had to begin with. I was thriving, actually happy (weird to say), and confident. In finding my confidence, we also found the sweetest man and an even sweeter Leo lookalike (opposite as all get out in all other areas). For the first time in my life, I was treated with dignity and respect. I am still so loved by my 3 boys, and I have never been more unconditionally loved than I am today. After a lifetime of trauma, it’s a breath of fresh air to be with someone so kind, so compassionate, and so loving. Quinn and I got married in October 2023.

The more I mature, the more I find myself with a drive and passion to continue understanding why my brain functions the way that it does. I spent so many years lost and helpless, not knowing why I was the way that I was. With the help of Leo, I am finding myself more and more every day. I am beginning to understand the chaos I let consume me for so long. I am finding love, joy, and happiness within the chaos with his help. It is the most beautiful thing and feeling I have ever experienced. I have learned that despite the chaos, life still is unequivocally beautiful. I suppose that means there is beauty in the chaos, and there isn’t anything in this world more beautiful than that.

I have taken my passion for writing and turned it into a platform to advocate for those without a voice. I know how helpless it feels not to have a voice. I didn’t have anyone advocating for me, no matter how hard and where I looked. I wouldn’t wish that feeling on my worst enemy; so I find myself screaming at the top of the mountains to prove to all of you that mental illness doesn’t have to ruin your life. The chaos doesn’t have to consume you like you think it does. I will never stop screaming that until each and every person understands that. Until then, I will use this blog as my platform to speak for the disabled, the mentally ill, the “crazy” people, the service dog handlers, and the chronically ill who only long to relate to someone. I will show everyone that the stigma we didn’t ask to carry with us, will be destroyed one article at a time.

The chaos is messy. At times, it’s agonizing and painful. It’ll be the death of you if you let it be. I for one, am not going to let it be. I will fight until the end of time to experience the beautiful things found within the chaos - with the help of one paw at a time.